Self-Compassion and the Difference it Makes in my Life

I was enjoying lunch with a dear friend at my favourite garden cafe. As I was digging into the savoury frittata, she asked me, ‘Do you ever have the feeling of being a ‘hamster on a wheel’ going nowhere quickly? Where your mind is spinning and it seems impossible to stop the thoughts whirling around in your head?’

I took another bite and gave myself a moment.

‘Yes’, I said, ‘I have had times like that. Usually they happen in the dark of the night. You know, that hour just before the dawn…….let’s say 3 or 4 in the morning. Everyone else is sleeping and I am consumed by my ‘to do list’, my worries and my feelings of inadequacy.’

The two of us compared notes. We shared our experiences and similar challenges. I thought about the pattern in my life and I realized that this experience is less frequent for me than it used to be.

What has made the difference?

In the past, whenever I felt worried and anxious, I would be impatient with myself. I would tell myself to ‘snap out of it’. I scolded myself for being so weak and such a wimp. Why couldn’t I just push myself to be relaxed and happy? Look at everyone else who seemed to be managing so well. What was wrong with me?

[pullquote width=”300″ float=”right”]Self-Compassion is valuing myself, with kindness and understanding.[/pullquote]

You will not be surprised to know that this strategy rarely worked for me. In fact, things often got worse as I shamed myself and amplified the negative energy already within me.

Then I discovered the concept of Self-Compassion. I attended the first Emerging Women Conference several years ago.

Kristin Neff was one of the speakers. She is a researcher who has studied Self-Compassion for over ten years. She has written a book titled, ‘Self-Compassion’. She has a web site filled with practice and theory to ground me in this concept.

Her work taught me about Self-Compassion, what it is, why it’s important, and how I can practice it in my life.

What is it?

Self-Compassion is valuing myself in a way that will lead to better health and happiness. It is not self-pity, or wallowing in a victim mind-set. The purpose is to heal suffering in myself. As I do this, I will be more connected to those in my life who may be requiring compassion.

According to Neff’s definition, there are three components of Self-Compassion.

1. Self-Kindness instead of Self-Judgment
   This means being warm and understanding to myself when I suffer, fail or feel inadequate. I change my critical self-talk from contempt to kindness when I have a disappointment and feel pain.
2. Common Humanity
   I may think I am the only one in the world that is suffering when I feel down or discouraged. However, everyone suffers. Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering is part of the shared human experience.
3. Mindfulness
   When I step back and notice my experience, I am more able to put it into perspective. The key is to focus on the pain I am feeling, rather than the failure. Often I minimize the sorrow I have when I ‘blow it’ or am upset. This is true suffering and it is important to acknowledge it. As I do this I am able to feel the pain without ignoring it or exaggerating it.

Why is it important?

• When I actively comfort myself, I calm myself and I am more likely to make wise choices.
• The hormone oxytocin is released when I am kind to myself. This means I actually feel better. I feel more loved, cared for and connected.
• I feel understood and I remember I am not alone in my suffering.
• I have more emotional resilience which means I have increased patience with upsets in my life.
• I have more compassion for others when I love myself.
• I sleep better! I have learned practices to manage those moments in the dark of night when I am suffering from the fears that used to overwhelm me.

How do I practice it in my life?

There are many practical ideas for incorporating Self-Compassion into your life.

• Use the components of Self-Compassion to comfort yourself. There is an audio guide on the web site that is helpful for this:

• Write a letter to yourself. Imagine that you are taking the role of a dear friend and write the letter as if this friend is writing to you. Use the loving words and expressions that this friend might use in comforting you.
• Change your critical self-talk. Start by noticing when you speak meanly to yourself. Then, change your tone of voice to be softer and less harsh. When you are ready, speak to yourself the way a dear friend might encourage you. Or the way you might comfort a hurting friend.
• Keep a self-compassion journal. Note an event that you feel badly about and use the steps of self-compassion to work through the event in a self-compassionate way.

Back at the garden cafe, I was happy to share some of these ideas with my friend. It took her question to remind me of all that I had learned about Self-Compassion. I trust that some of these ideas will resonate with you.

Here is my desire for you as you reflect on what you have just read:

Relax.
Allow life to be as it is.
Open your heart to yourself.

This quote, from Kristin Neff’s book, ‘Self-Compassion’, paints a picture for me of what is possible as I practice the art and science of Self-Compassion.

[question]I would love to hear from you. What is your experience of learning to be kind to yourself? Share in the comments or send me a message. Join me on this life-long journey of Self-Compassion![/question]