Play and Surrender: Lessons from my Summer of Play

September is here and my ‘Summer of Play’ is coming to an end. I set the intention of play
and rest for this summer. I imagined a stretch of time filled with fun, laughter, connection
and ease.

Instead, I experienced health challenges, fatigue and dark times of loneliness. The summer weather was hot and smoky due to wild fires in the northern areas of the province. I longed for rain. My throat was sore, my breathing was tight and the greyness weighed down my spirits.

Even though I felt lonely, I had little interest in reaching out to others. I wondered if I
would ever feel better again.

As I reflect on the past few months, I am struck by the power of ‘letting go’. My definition
of the word ‘Play’ included the idea of being open to surprises and the unexpected. I am learning that the surprises are not always light-hearted and fun. It may be that life is offering me the opportunity to wait, trust and rest.

What was really happening this summer?

• My body was asking for what it needed. Rest, quiet and solitude.
• I did not know how weary I was until I stopped
• I was grieving and this takes energy and space to process. My mother is frail and
  no longer recognizes me. I am sorrowful as I realize the mother I knew is no longer
  available to me in the same way. The curtain of forgetfulness is a barrier to our
  sharing jokes and reminiscing together. I am discovering new ways of being with
  her. I miss her.
• I was facing the question: who am I? I am looking at retirement and what it means for me. By taking time of this summer I realize that so much of my identity is based on my accomplishments. I felt lost with no projects on the go.
• What was I being invited to learn?
• What was the gift in this darkness?

These are deep questions and I do not have all the answers. I do know that as I observe my
experience and surrender to what is happening, I feel my heart soften. I am learning that
challenges can be an invitation for me to grow spiritually.

[pullquote width=”300″ float=”right”]This is the paradox of surrender. Awareness releases. And, love results.[/pullquote]

I recently had the chance to be an ‘explorer’ and witness myself being upset and hurt. I chose to not be absorbed in my reactivity. I took some deep breaths and the feelings passed. I  stayed present and felt a renewed energy and love in my heart. And, the conversation that followed was filled with vulnerability and connection. This is the paradox of surrender. Awareness releases. And, love results.

What is next?

I travel to Winnipeg in a few days to visit my mom and dad. In the sprit of Play, I desire to
be open to the unexpected and to ‘let go’ of expectations. I want to be open to receive love
and to offer love in each moment. I believe this visit will be a gift to me, as I deepen into
the learning of being present, observing my emotions and thoughts, and having compassion for myself along the way.

I trust that my summer lessons are part of a larger design even if it is not clear to me yet. I
yearn to see the big picture and to know what the next steps will be. And, for now, I believe
that I am exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. That is really what surrender looks like for me.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.
I know I am not alone and I treasure your support.

[disclaim]What does surrender look like for you? How do you find the ‘gift’ in the dark times? Please comment below or send me a message. We are stronger as we share with each other![/disclaim]