Surprised by Abundance

January has been a time of darkness, uncertainty and chaos for me. As you may remember, we had a major water leak in our home in early December. As time went on, we learned that we would have to move out of our house while the restoration work would be done.

The weeks went by without any word of when the work was to be done. I felt impatient, irritable, and anxious. I would wake up at night worrying. What type of place would we have to move into while repairs were happening? Why was it taking so long to get information about the schedule? What if the insurance would not cover the costs of all the restoration work?

[pullquote width=”300″ float=”right”]I realized beneath my anger was a sense of loss and grief.[/pullquote]

As I noticed my emotions, I realized that underneath the anger was a sense of loss and grief. My home was no longer a place of rest and comfort. Where could I go to be settled and calm? I used to have an apartment in Vancouver which was a place of retreat. However, we no longer have access to this beautiful space. I was upset that I couldn’t escape to my ocean view apartment. It seemed that I had ‘no place to call home’.

I was not proud of myself when I acted with impatience and when I was upset with others. In fact, I would scold myself, and wallow in shame. What kind of rude person was I turning out to be? What was meant to be a relaxing walk in nature was spoiled when I got angry at the dog walker who didn’t leash his big dog. Not only was I angry at him, I was mad at myself for speaking rudely.

In the midst of my emotional upheaval, I was able to meet with friends who accepted me in my messiness and offered support. I was reminded to focus on what I have control over, and to trust that things would work out. My Word for the Year became a mantra to encourage me. I played with the idea of Lightness and what it might offer me in this dark time.

[pullquote width=”300″ float=”right”]I met my anger with love and compassion[/pullquote]

I was introduced to the idea that I was not ‘broken’. I did not need to be fixed. Instead of shaming myself for my problematic behaviour, I noticed these parts of me with love and compassion. I asked my anger and sadness what they wanted to tell me. What did they need?

I am new to this way of treating myself, and I am excited to learn that this is the work of integration and wholeness. I realized that I am human and that the ‘shadow’ parts of me deserve to be seen and acknowledged. Not pushed away and punished. Once I listened to my anger and the underlying grief, I felt a release and found I had more patience with myself and others. I gave myself the gift of time alone, I rested a lot and I reached out to trusted friends who helped me process my experience.

Last week we got the word: time to move out and get the restoration process started.

What happened next is a celebration of abundance and magic!

We were able to book a beautiful home in one of my favourite towns. The insurance company is covering the costs for our stay. This is a place where people go for vacation. And, it is our home for the next few weeks. I am able to walk to nearby coffee shops, and enjoy the trails by the river.

I think back to my middle of the night worries about where we might be staying. I never dreamed that we would have such luxury and beauty surrounding us. My daily walks nurture my body and soul. My friends want to come and visit me here and I am surrounded by their love at this time of transition.

I am struck by how my situation has turned out. I am humbled to realize that all this was being planned even as I struggled with anxiety and fear.

I want to remember how I am feeling right now.The joy, the sense of awe at the gift of a beautiful home, and the unexpected fun along the way.

I want this experience to be a powerful memory for me in the future when I have dark days of uncertainty and fear.

My Word Lightness supports me in remembering. When I stray into the darkness of worry and fear, I will remind myself of the light on the river, the moss covered trees on the trail shining in the light, and the calm energy I feel in my vacation-like home.