The 3 Lessons I Learned About Listening

The 3 Lessons I Learned About Listening

She leaned in and nodded. Her smile was warm and inviting. I described my plans to travel alone in New York City. I talked about the galleries and the jazz clubs I would visit. There was the Broadway Show, and the subway trips I would navigate. I focused on the excitement and how great it would be. And, then, I dug a bit deeper and shared my fears of being on my own. My worries that I might get lost. I wondered, would I really like traveling on my own in such a big city? She listened quietly and calmly. She acknowledged my mix of emotions, and asked if I wanted some reflection from her. When I said yes, there was no judgment. She accepted me where I was at. She offered encouragement and gave me practical support to help plan for my trip. I left our coffee time feeling happy, connected to my friend and even more excited about my ‘solo vacation’.

What have I described just now? Two friends enjoying a coffee time together. One is talking and one is listening. Sounds pretty simple, right?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Recently I have been intrigued by the concept of listening. I wonder, what does listening really consist of? Have you ever thought about what kind of listener you are? Or perhaps you are wondering, what’s the big deal? Who really cares?

Why is it important to consider these questions?

Listening is the key to the longing for connection that is part of the human experience. It increases self­awareness and helps us see strengths in ourselves that we may otherwise have missed. Listening offers the opportunity to dream and create together. Celebration often follows a time of deep listening.

As a coach, I find my hours are filled with listening. I am able to put on my ‘listening hat’ for my coaching sessions. It is when I am with my friends and family, that I sometimes catch myself in the act of pretending to listen. It really is an act. I am not authentic, I am putting on a show. I am curious if you ever experience this? What if we could explore this together and change how we listen?

Join me as I dig deep into the discipline of listening and tell you the three lessons I learned.

Lesson #1 is getting clear on what I mean by Listening.

Listening is NOT:

• a multi­tasking activity

• a chance for me to listen long enough to figure out your problem and give you advice

• A chance to Fix you

• an opportunity to be curious to get the ‘juicy details’ and pass them on to others (gossip)

• the time for me to formulate my perfect answer while you are talking

• a competition ( I am sure my story will ‘top’ yours)

• a solitary activity

Here is what I think Listening is.

• It is a verb. It means I am willing to take action to listen.

• I choose to set the intention to pay attention as I listen. I am fully present and notice my

experience as I listen.

• I am curious to hear more.

• I accept the other person and suspend my judgment of them and their story.

• Listening creates connection between two people, and engagement results. There is a flow

of energy that happens which adds meaning to the relationship.

Lesson #2 was my realization of the impact that my listening can have on others.

What is my experience when I am not listened to?

I may feel frustrated, hurt, angry and sad. I assume that I am not important to you, I am not respected and I am not worthy of your time. Because of my low self­worth I want to give up and withdraw. Perhaps I will shut down and stop talking. Or, I may talk louder and faster to get your attention. I will be repetitive, sounding like a broken record, nagging and complaining incessantly.

Does this sound familiar? Have you ever felt this way?

What is my experience when I am listened to?

I feel connected to you. I am motivated to share more deeply and because I feel safe, I have the courage to describe my experience. I see myself as worthy and think to myself, ‘I have something to say that is meaningful and my voice is being heard’. This increases my creativity and I am willing to tell you ideas that may be risky or unusual. And, I want to listen to you! I notice you are present with me. No texting or checking emails while you are with me. You nod and smile as I speak. You are hearing me.

I hope you have had at least one experience of experiencing this! Do you see how I had this experience with my friend who listened to me sharing about my trip?

Here’s the thing.

Listening is a gift I can give to the people in my life. Brene Brown says that ‘listening to a child rather than ignoring them is the most sure way to build their sense of love and belonging’. What works for children works for the rest of us!

Lesson #3 is a practical one. I offer it to you to help you deepen your listening skills.

Get familiar with what you are listening for. What do you expect to hear from certain people? Are you listening for what they want from you? Their complaints? When you set aside your expectations and listen with an open, curious spirit, you may be surprised at what you hear.

Do you ever listen for what is not said? Pay attention to the other person’s body language or the pauses in their story. This may be a clue to what is really going on underneath.

Here’s another idea. Have you ever asked, ‘How do you want me to listen to you today?’ There are different reasons for listening and you might be surprised at what the person you are listening to wants.

One type of listening is hear the facts. Getting clear about what really happened and validating that can support the other person to gain clarity in their situation.

Sometimes people just need to be heard. If this is the case, be quiet and give them space to vent!

They may even stop their complaining when they believe that you have heard them.

Giving advice after you listen is great…..if they ask for it! Check in with them before you give advice. Problem solving and brainstorming can be a wonderful way for you to support the person you are listening to. Ask them first if this is what they want.

A mentor of mine is a woman named Lynn Hoffmann. She is now in her 90’s and has a beautiful history of rich listening. She reminded me, ‘Listen in order to ask powerful questions. Do not listen with the intention of fixing the other person’. This means that I surrender my need to have the perfect answer ready when they stop talking. Instead, I listen deeply and trust that a loving response will show itself to me.

I find it is a relief to let go of my need to solve the problem or have the answers as I listen. People often come up with their own answers as they ‘think out loud’. I invite you to experience the ‘lightness of listening’ by simply being present with others as they are sharing with you.

One more thing. If you are not able to truly listen, do not fake it. Be authentic and reschedule your time together for a time when you will be able to be fully present.

As you reflect on your listening practice, I encourage you to find a trusted person to listen to you.

There are beautiful benefits waiting for you.

I look forward to hearing about your listening experiences in the comments below.

And, I invite you to book a complimentary coaching session with me to take the opportunity to have me listen to you!