The Rocky Places of my Life and How I Navigate Them

I love my life! I have a vision for my business that excites me.  I enjoy my coaching clients and the women’s circles I lead. I have time and financial freedom. I am part of a community of loving women and a close knit family that offers play and support. I find that most days I am flowing in a spirit of gratitude and joy.

Until one day last week. I was caught off guard by my reactions to an event. I felt angry and impatient. I was irritable and edgy. I found myself in a place of shame and pushed myself to complete the task at hand. Even as I scolded myself, there was a part of me that watched with surprise and curiosity. What was really going on?

For months I had been putting off submitting my health care receipts to the insurance company. This is a task that I find challenging and I will do almost anything else before I sit down to complete this chore. I have a ‘story’ about the system. I am annoyed before I even begin. I just know that the process will be cumbersome and frustrating. I wonder if ‘they’ are making it as hard as they can for me, in the hopes that I will give up and not bother applying for what is owed to me.

Along with knowing I am behind on my submissions, I have the view of myself that I am ‘not very good at this type of detail’. And, I push my way through to prove that I can get it done, regardless of my emotional space or my physical energy.

As I  started entering the data I noticed my tension increasing. I sighed deeply and punched in more numbers. Wouldn’t you know it! The system was working against me. I was told to re-enter the information. Next, a message arrived telling me that I was randomly selected to submit a copy of a receipt. What next???

I pushed through and completed the application. My cheeks were flushed, my heart rate was up and my neck and shoulders ached. My husband walked in the door and said hello. I snapped at him and grumpily told him what I was doing. I refused his offer of help. I didn’t deserve help. It was my job to do this and I would get it done at all costs. Meanwhile, another email arrived announcing that the majority of my receipts were out dated. There would be a low return for all my hard work. That was all I needed to spiral even deeper into shame and frustration.

Nothing was going right!

Has this ever happened to you? Stuff happens and you react. Life sucks. It is as if ‘someone is out to get you’.

How do you manage yourself during these times?

With time,  I was able to move through this rocky place in my life.  I hope some of my ideas will be helpful to you when life’s path is rough for you.

1. I began by allowing myself to feel the frustration and anger. I admitted that I was not happy. I was mad! I chose to go to a coffee shop with my journal and vent on paper about my feelings. No editing or holding back, just a torrent of words to release my deep, dark emotions.

Next, I accepted myself in my humanity. I will have times when I lose my temper, and there will be times when I feel upset. Rather than be surprised at this, I want to accept this reality.

Then, I became curious. What really happened?  As I took a deep breath, I realized that there were a few things going on.

• I was getting what I looked for. I was in  a judgmental and negative mindset before I even began. I was sure the process would be difficult. And, it turned out to be exactly that!

• I was triggered by shame. Because I had procrastinated I was no longer eligible for most of the rebates. I saw myself as a failure, unworthy and useless.

• I made it all about me. I acted as if the system was ‘out to get me’ and I took it personally when things didn’t go smoothly.

• I was ‘pushing through’ and forcing myself to get it done even though I was tired and hungry. This does not work for me.  I am more productive (and happy) when I pay attention to my energy and care for myself. Being rested and focused is a better way for me to complete tasks that are challenging for me.

• I was surprised at the complexity of my experience. In light of what I discovered, I took a couple of other actions.

I practiced self-compassion and talked to myself as I would talk to a friend. I acknowledged that this was a tough time for me. I reminded myself that it is never too late to change my behaviour. I am worthy of love and belonging even if I have temper tantrums.

2. Later that day I shared my experience with a trusted friend. In the light of her love and my vulnerability,  my shame withered away. In fact, my friend’s  question sparked my ideas for my reflections today. She asked me, ‘What is the gift you received from this experience?’ Rather than stay in a place of shame, I was able to reframe the events of the day.

3. I stepped back and put my experience into perspective. How important was all of this in the big picture of my life? No one had died, I was still okay, life would go on. Maybe I could even laugh about this one day…..

4. I reminded myself that I am not a victim of circumstances. I can choose how I respond to them, rather than react without thinking.

5. Here is a big learning for me as a result of all of this.

By the end of the day I was ready to admit that I do not have to do this alone! I can receive help and that is not a sign of weakness. I went back to my husband and asked for his help in the future with our submissions. He said ‘Yes’, and I feel a sense of lightness and relief! I realize that receiving is a way I can be in partnership with him.

I am here to tell you that a breakdown can turn into a breakthrough. With self-compassion and a willingness to receive, I moved through the rocky patches on the trail of my life. I would love to hear your strategies for overcoming tough times in your life. Leave a comment below!