Speaking Up For Myself

I spent many years speaking up for others during my career as a nurse. If my patient needed more pain medication I was on it. If a family member had questions for the Dr. I would contact the office as soon as possible. As the team leader, I was an advocate for the nursing staff. People could count on Marjorie to speak up!

However, in my personal life, it was a different story. I often kept quiet if I didn’t get what I wanted. I did not want to upset anyone.  I was known for my ‘friendly smile’ and I worried I others wouldn’t like me if I spoke up too loudly. What would happen if I took up too much space? It was easier and safer for me to keep quiet.

As time went on I learned that this was not how I wanted to show up in my world. I was tense and often resentful with others. I was not proud of myself for being afraid to stand up for me.

I found a way to speak up and I have experienced the benefits of being an advocate for myself.

You may be wondering, whyis this important? Whenshould one speak up? And, whatdoes this look like? Here  are some of my reflections about these questions.

Why Speak up for Myself?

Everyone is worthy of being seen and heard. This includes me! When I speak my truth I feel happy and contented. Gone is the resentment and animosity I felt when I kept quiet.

My health improves as I act from a place of self-confidence. When I hold back from saying what is true for me, I feel tense and anxious. I hear my ‘inside voice’ saying, ‘What is wrong with you? Why don’t you just say what you mean?’ This leads to a sense of shame and I feel drained physically.

As I take the courage to speak my truth, I notice I am relaxed in my body and I have more energy and focus for the rest of my life. I have a positive outlook about myself and the other person.

My relationships deepen and I experience true partnership with others. I realize it is challenging to be in a relationship if I don’t say what I want. By speaking clearly about what is going on for me there is the possibility of true connection.

When Should I Speak up for myself?

When people ask me for my opinion!

This may seem pretty obvious…..however, I may be worried that my opinion is not worth much or that I don’t have the right answer. And so I keep quiet.

Another time to speak up is when no one notices me or asks how I am. If I am not being acknowledged and I want to be included, it is up to me to take responsibility for what I want to say.

I speak up when my body signals to me that it is time. Maybe I have tightening in my jaw, butterflies in my tummy or a sudden headache. These sensations are messages from my body that something has happened that is important for me to address.

Another signal is when I notice I am pretending.  I may say one thing and mean something else. I may hide my true feelings behind a smile or withdraw into my shell. If I want to notice, I  practice self-awareness. For me this means taking a deep breath, slowing down and checking  in with myself. When I do this, I have choice to act, rather than just reacting.
There are times when I may be hurt, puzzled, or upset by what somebody said or did. Even if no one else notices this impact, it affects me. And, my relationship with others is often affected as a result. If  this is the case, it is important for me to bring this out into the open.

What Does it Look like to Speak up for myself?

This takes practice! At first I was nervous and awkward. I came across in a rough manner, like a toddler who has just learned the power of the word ‘No’. This is to be expected with a new behaviour, and with time I learned a few things.

Speaking up with Love is a great place to start. This means love for myself as well as the other person. If my purpose is to shame or blame there will be no chance to gain clarity and partnership.

An attitude of curiosity about the other’s intention and motivation is a way to open the path to deeper understanding. This leads to an opportunity to describe my experience, and and to be heard.

Being assertive means that both parties benefit from the conversation. Everyone has their own experience and accepting this is a major step to mutual understanding. Rather than arguing about ‘who is right’, there is a respect for differences.

When I speak up for myself, I own my experience. I take responsibility for what I say and ask for. And, I am open to the possibility that I may not get what I want.

How Am I Doing?

The act of speaking up for myself still creates anxiety for me. My stomach gets ‘twirly’. My chest feels tight and my breathing is shallow. And, I have learned a few ways to manage my energy. I breathe deeply and get support from a trusted friend. I may practice the conversation I want to have or write about it in my journal. And, then, because I value the relationship, I speak up.

As a result, I feel closer to the people in my life.  I have learned a lot about others’ intentions and reasons for saying or doing things.  I am proud of myself for being in integrity. I am richer in my life because of my speaking up for myself.

How do you speak your truth? Do you see the value in being authentic and courageous in your life?

I would love to hear how you navigate this challenge.  Share your story in the comments below or send me an message. Here’s to ‘speaking up for YOU’!