Saying Good-bye to Mom

Today it is four months since my mother died.

Time is a slippery concept for me these days. Some days drag along slowly as I get used to this new reality of my life. Other times, I am surprised at how quickly the days have passed by since I last held my mother’s hand or felt the sweetness of her smile.

I was taken aback by the the depth of the grief that I felt when I said my last good-bye to my mom. It has been many years since she and I have shared an intimate conversation. Her failing memory meant that she didn’t always know me. I missed her keen interest in my life, and her questions about how I was doing. She no longer knew my children or grandchildren, and was unable to answer any questions I might have for her about her experiences as a grandmother or a woman facing retirement.

For the past several years I have been mourning the loss of the mother I once knew. Naively, I assumed that I had already said my farewells. After all, my ‘real mom’ was already gone, wasn’t she?

Little did I know that I had lots to learn about myself and my mother. As I navigate this new path, I am learning many beautiful truths about my relationship to her.

I am realizing that my mother gave me precious gifts, even if she was mentally and physically frail. It didn’t matter that we could not converse. Or that she didn’t ask me questions.

Here are the gifts she gave me. These are things that I am missing now.

- Her warm smile and sparkling eyes that greeted me when I came to visit her.

- Her beautiful hands that held mine and caressed my arm lovingly as we sat together.

- Her delight in the photo books of her family. She eagerly looked at each child and asked who they were. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t remember who belonged to which family. I had the sense that she knew they belonged to her!

- Her sense of humour. As I sat with her at dinner one day, she pushed aside the broccoli on her plate. I said, ‘Mom, do you want your broccoli? They say it’s good for you.’ ‘That may well be’, she said, with a sideways look at me. And she pushed it even further away, taking a bite of mashed potatoes and gravy. I felt a sense of lightness in her mischievous response.

- Her prayers. My mother had a vibrant faith and prayed daily for her family. Even in the last months, when she would pray, she was coherent and the words came easily. I loved her enthusiastic ‘Amen’ at the end of a meal time blessing.

- Her spirit of gratitude and optimism. Her caregivers spoke highly of ‘Elsie’s uncomplaining nature’ and they grew to love her. She was able to receive the care she needed with graciousness which was a gift to those who took care of her.

Next month, I plan to visit my father. It will be my first visit without Mom being there. I wonder what that will be like. I imagine that my mother will be with us in spirit as we remember times with her, and look at cards and photos together.

I am grateful for the sense of love I feel from my mother each day. She is not with me physically and, yet, she is truly present for me in my heart. I have been reading letters that she wrote to me over the years and her voice sounds joyous and alive. She never forgot a birthday and there are stacks of cards to read through. This summer of quiet has been an opportunity for me to reflect, remember and rejoice in the loving memories of my mother.

This is the tribute I read at her funeral, sharing the many gifts my mother gave me as a young girl:

How do I share in a few words what my mother has meant to me? Let me give you a sense of her as I share some stories.

I was ten years old. Mom and I walked together to visit one of the ‘shut-ins’, as they were called back then. This older woman was living alone in a small, dark house. She was not well and seemed so lonely and unhappy to me . As we walked home, I said to mom, ‘Oh, I hope my life doesn’t end up like that’. My mother looked at me and said, ‘It doesn’t have to, you have a choice in what you do with your life’.

I have never forgotten that.

Of course, unexpected and difficult events happen in life. And, what I heard from my mother that day was the reminder that I have choice as to how I respond to what life brings me. I could look forward to a life filled with love and joy.

This is how mom lived her life. She was energetic and optimistic. She faced challenges with creativity and humour. As the oldest of six children, I was often called upon to be her helper. She taught me that work could be play. She sang while she ironed. She laughed as she baked brown bread and as we hung out laundry together.

Mom knew how to celebrate. My birthday became my favourite day of the year. Mom made sure I didn’t do any chores…..that was an amazing treat for me! I was able to choose the supper menu and my favourite cake….banana cake with fluffy icing. Even with her large family, she had the knack of creating a special day for me.

Mom was my cheerleader. She was so proud of me when I became a nurse and she loved hearing my stories about my career. Whenever I phoned she was so excited and full of questions about what was new in the world of nursing.

Mom had courage to take risks. She went back to school in her 40’s to take a refresher course in Nursing and resume her career as a nurse. At the same time, she got her driver’s license! And, this was in the city of Calgary, not in a rural location. I am inspired as I think back to what that must have been like for her.

Mom loved her grandchildren. Even though we lived miles apart, she kept in touch with them and saved the cards and pictures she received from them. She created a memory book for each grandchild when they graduated from high school filled with these momentos. Not a small task for a woman with with 15 grandchildren!