My newest article on The Elephant Journal
Have you ever had something on your calendar that filled you with dread?
I have recently and my thoughts were, why did I agree to this? I did not expect that it would take up my whole afternoon! What did I get myself in for?
These questions and a host of irritable thoughts tumbled around in my mind. I was the family member who was to accompany my mother-in-law to her initial visit to the Cancer Clinic. I am a retired nurse, and I want the best care for Mary. I love her and understand her need for support at such a critical time in her life. In fact, I was the one who offered to go with her so that we as a family could get the most complete picture possible of her medical situation.
Then why was I so resistant to the idea?
When I called the clinic for instructions, I was told to expect a minimum of two hours for the appointment. There would be many forms to complete and we were to wear masks and practice physical distancing, due to COVID-19 concerns.
My heart felt heavy as I focused on the problems and I started sinking into a mire of negativity. I imagined the struggle to communicate as I helped my mother-in-law fill out the medical forms. She is hard of hearing and I worried about her understanding me as I wore my mask. The technical terminology was sure to be a barrier to her understanding the questions. I felt tired just thinking about it.
Another worry came to mind. What if the Doctor was running late and we didn’t get an explanation that was clear? What treatment plan was in place? Would we have any say in this, or would Mary be at the mercy of the system? Even though I have 35 years of nursing experience, it has been a long time since I was a hospital nurse. I no longer recognize drug names and I am not familiar with the current treatment options. I felt anxious as I imagined the overwhelming amount of information I would be expected to take in and communicate to my mother-in-law at the appointment. The night before the appointment, I was distracted and restless, feeling anxious and inadequate. I finally fell asleep, waking early. I was in that twilight zone of sleep eluding me and daylight slipping into my bedroom when a loving voice whispered an idea into my soul. I recognized the voice as my intuition getting my attention.
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